Many parents feel guilty about not loving their children equally. Nevertheless, this feeling of guilt is totally unjustified. Indeed, no one is unaware that love is a soul connection between two individuals and that there are not two identical loves. It's an instinctive emotion that can never be quantified.
Parents prefer their eldest child. It's the science that says it!
A study was conducted in 2005 at the University of California by Katherine Conger, who visited nearly 400 parent groups and their children three times in three years. She asked them questions and videotaped their interactions. Surprisingly, it was concluded that "65% of mothers and 70% of fathers had a preference for a child, usually the oldest.
In addition, she asked the children if they thought their parents treated them differently, and if it affected their self-esteem. She was surprised to learn that younger children were more likely to have low self-esteem because of their parents' favoritism. This suggests that it is common for seniors to receive special treatment from parents.
"Our working hypothesis was that perceptions of differential treatment would be higher in older children, because of their age and size," he says. She said.
It is quite normal to love your children differently ... But beware of favoritism!
Once you have abandoned the obsession with equality and realized this simple law of human nature, you can accept these differences for what they are without blaming yourself. However, there is a big difference between love and favoritism. Not loving your children in the same way is one thing, but it's another if you have a favorite.
It is by failing to make this distinction that parents cause divisions, jealousies and misunderstandings between brothers and sisters that can sometimes last a lifetime.
In addition, it often happens that the less favored child develops feelings of inferiority that can affect his or her self-confidence, performance, and social interactions in many ways.
Thus, creating a level playing field mitigates many of these pitfalls. And the work begins before you know which child is your favorite. The work starts from the moment the second baby is still in the womb.
Here's how you can avoid favoritism between your children as well as fraternal conflicts:
- Babies receive a lot of gifts from friends and family. Often the older brother or elder sister feels ignored and excluded because children equate gifts with love.
- Ask your close family members to bring something for him / her, or buy a gift that you can offer.
- Let your senior child help you take care of the baby and give him all the respect of a caretaker. Feeling important and indispensable in the life of the newborn is the first step towards a bond of love and companionship between the two brothers or sisters.
- Let the youngest child comfort the youngest when he cries or gets angry. Again, this activity promotes strong and protective feelings in the older child, which will become reciprocal with time.
As the children get older, encourage the activities they can participate in as a team. For example, a board game or a field contest between parents and children.
Never compare your children. Understand that they are unique in their own way and that everyone has their own strengths.
